At the start of the year, I set new goals and am determined to become a better version of myself. At the same time, I look back at the foregone year and try to learn my lessons. But am I reflecting on myself correctly, drawing the right conclusions and learning the right lessons? Or have I been drawing false conclusions due to subconscious biases and therefore have been stagnating?
“ 95% of people tend to believe they are self-aware, but in reality only 10%- 15% really are.”
Tasha Eurich “The Surprising Truth About Insight”- The Jordan Harbinger Show, 7th January 2020
When I come across this talk “The Surprising Truth About Insight” by Tasha Eurich on the Jordan Harbinger Show, it really got me thinking perhaps there is no other way to success and happiness rather than knowing myself like the back of my hand.
Therefore, I am sharing the 5 facts about self-awareness summarized from the talk. I was quite inspired by it and I hope this article could also serve as a guidance to you.
1. What is self-awareness?
People who are self-aware have two types of independent self-knowledge:
- Type 1: Internal Self-awareness
People who have internal self-awareness know who they are, what their values are and their own patterns of behavior. Introspection could come across as one of their habits. However, those who only possess internal self-awareness but not external self-awareness may sometimes fail to realize how they are coming across; causing damages to relationships and success to be hindered.
- Type 2: External Self-awareness
Individuals who have external self-awareness but not internal self-awareness focus only on knowing how other people see them or thinking how other people will react to their choices. They often end up doing things that serve others but fail to have the clarity to make decisions of their own best interest and for their own fulfillment and happiness.
- 0 Correlation Between the Possession of Internal and External Self-awareness
One may assume an individual who has high level of internal self-awareness should also have a level of external self-awareness that is comparable or vice versa. Well, surprisingly, according to empirical research, those two types of intelligence has zero correlation. In other words, it is essential for us to understand which type of self-awareness we may or may not possess and make improvements accordingly.
2. If I wasn’t as self-aware as I think I am, will I really know? Ways to improve self-awareness
“ Self- awareness is like exploring space; no matter how much we know about space, there’s always more to know. ”
Tasha Eurich “The Surprising Truth About Insight”- The Jordan Harbinger Show, 7th January 2020
1. Exercise Your Self-awareness Muscle Daily
People who possess more self-awareness than others work on it constantly in order to make small and incremental improvements. Below are the 3 questions that self-awareness unicorns ask themselves everyday in order to introspect in a way they don’t fall into emotional turmoil nor end up with misleading conclusions:
- What went well today?
- What didn’t go so well?
- What can I do to be smarter tomorrow?
2. Self-acceptance
Self-acceptance plays a critical role in improving self-awareness. Only when one accepts oneself will he/ she start making educated decisions about how the situation should be dealt with according to their values and patterns of behavior.
3. Dinner of Truth
Another self-awareness improvement exercise is to invite someone whom you are close to and would like to improve your relationship with to dinner and ask them: “What do I do that is most annoying to you?”. And then listen.
Even though it sounds really scary, however, the survivor of the Dinner of Truth- Tasha Eurich- told us not to be afraid of it and that our worst fears are almost never realized. Sometimes, the feedback one receives could be totally different from what is expected fearfully.
4. Have 3 to 5 Loving Critics
Pick 3 to 5 people to regularly ask feedbacks from. Those critics have to fit below 2 criteria:
- You have to believe those critics have your best interest at heart.
- You have to believe those critics will tell you the truth even when it’s difficult.
Even if you have found your loving critics that fits the above criteria, the feedback received from them may still not be the truth; because their perception might be clouded by their own unconscious misperception and therefore biased. Despite so, whenever you receive any feedback elsewhere, it is always helpful to go back to your loving critics and double check with them asking: “Do you see that trait/ flaw/ pattern of behavior in me?”.
3. Introspection Doesn’t Always Make Us More Self-aware
“ In the 1970s, 2 researchers set up a card table outside a grocery store and place 4 identical pantyhose. They ask the passerby to come by the table and pick their favorite. ”
Tasha Eurich “The Surprising Truth About Insight”- The Jordan Harbinger Show, 7th January 2020
According to consumer psychology, people tend to prefer whatever product that is on the right of display. As predicted, 75% of the passerby picked the pantyhose on the right. However, when being asked why they picked the pantyhose on the right, the participants came up with extremely elaborated explanations such as it has better elasticity, color or manufacturing; while in fact, all 4 objects were identical.
No matter how much we try, we can’t access a lot of our unconscious thoughts, motives and feelings. Therefore, often times we search for answers about ourselves but end up with explanation that seem true but very often isn’t. So is introspection always bad?
4. How to introspect effectively? Ask “What” Questions
Most of the time when we try to understand who we are, we mistakenly ask “Why” questions. For example, in situations like an argument or a failed promotion, we ask ourselves questions such as “ Why is this person so hard to communicate? ” or “ Why didn’t I get the promotion? ”. Even though we ask ourselves those questions with great intentions, however, as we cannot access a lot of our unconscious thoughts, motives and feelings, we not only can’t find the true answers but those questions often lead us on to the wrong path.
Instead, we should ask ourselves “What” questions. For the scenarios mentioned above, the “What” questions would be “What can I do to communicate?” and “What can I do to get promoted?”. When facing a catastrophe, instead of asking oneself “Why did this happen?” , the better question for introspection would be “What can I learn from this? What can I do to not make the same mistake? What am I feeling right now?” As you can tell, those “What” questions are comparably more action oriented, solution focused and future looking.
5. The Trend of Narcissism Hinders Self-awareness
“ If I see myself clearly, it allows me to see and focus on other people. ”
Tasha Eurich “The Surprising Truth About Insight”- The Jordan Harbinger Show, 7th January 2020
The level of narcissism has risen over the past 30 years. Especially with booming social media popularity, most of us have become more self-absorbed and less self-aware. On average, when we talk in real life, 60% of the time we talk about ourselves; while online, the statistic rose to 80%. As a consequence, in order to raise self-awareness against narcissism, Tasha asked us to pay more attention in identifying whether the motives behind our actions are for ourselves (me-former) or for others (informer).
Conclusion
I think self-awareness is indeed one of the foundational skills for success and happiness because it serves as the bridge between our imperfections and the reality. I suppose only when we really understand who we are, how others perceive us and know what are uniquely essential to us for life, will we find our way to success and happiness.
I really enjoy reading your words between the lines. It’s beautiful and inspiring! Thanks for sharing. I look forward to more articles about personal growth.^^